What role does our own self awareness play in the quality of our relationships, the way we show up as parents, and the level of contentment and gratitude we are able to feel day to day, in the life that those moments make up? And why does it matter? Research suggests that when we are able to practice true self-awareness we're better decision-makers, we are able to communicate more effectively and can create stronger relationships. Sounds great, right? So how do we increase our own level of self-awareness? What is self-awareness? According to Tasha Eurich, a researcher who has led some of the most comprehensive work on self awareness in recent years, there are two main kinds of self-awareness. Interestingly, being good at one kind of self-awareness doesn't necessarily mean we are good at the other kind. These are essentially two separate, and essential, life skills. Internal self-awareness: This is how clearly we see our own values, passions, aspirations, fit with our environment, reactions (including thoughts, feelings, behaviors, strengths, and weaknesses), and impact on others. Tasha and her team have found that internal self-awareness is associated with higher job and relationship satisfaction, personal and social empowerment, and greater overall happiness. Higher personal self-awareness also correlates to decreased anxiety, stress, and depression. External self-awareness: This is how well we understand the way other people view us. Tasha's research demonstrates that people who know how others see them are more skilled at showing empathy and taking others’ perspectives. In some settings, such as workplaces, this has been shown to improve the level of satisfaction others have with the self-aware person, and to lead others to view them as more effective in general. |
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Awareness is the Beginning of Change |
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My internalized emotional state: Shame is deep and primary. It is foundational, but not alone. I also have fear and crankiness. These three are the destructive forces in my spirit. They work together to undermine my whole life. They pursue me as the trapper does his prey. They are a tag-team that robs me of enjoyment. I really do have a good life. But I don’t know it. It doesn’t show on my face. I don’t feel it in my heart. I only know it because I know it in my head. And the head is the shallowest level of knowledge, the weakest of all innate powers. But now I am becoming aware. And awareness is the beginning of change. Previously I didn’t know. All I knew was that I was guarded, miserable, protective, and always ready to pull away – hyper-vigilant, as they say. I was cranky, irritable, and on edge. I had a sour look on my face, and scowled. Not really mad at anyone, but annoyed and frustrated with everyone and everything. It/They all triggered my fear, and more than anything, my shame. Shame is the master. He sits deep in the subconscious like a war lord surrounded by his guards. He’s filtered from any attempts to be seen or known. Who is this hidden man deep in the bowels, at the end of the maze with its long twisted corridors in the dim light? Guarded, yet in command; sending out orders with oppressive dominance, he overpowers all other authority and no one dares refuse his directives. When shame sleeps, those are the moments I enjoy. I am free to dance, to sing, and to engage with life. I have those moments. But it seems he has slept less as the years have added up. As one on top of the other they stack, the shame deepens and becomes more dominant and more powerful. Shame is the master – undeniably – or at least up to this point. But now my awareness grows and the dim corridors of his fortress are being exposed, uncovered, known deep in my heart. I am seeing shame for what it is. His time as master has come to an end. Remember, awareness is the beginning of change and things are changing. As I see shame, as I know its truth, other truths are freed and proclaim a deeper reality. Things about me that go farther back than shame even knows. These truths go to the very creation of my heart and soul. These truths are the foundation on which my birth was built. These truths pronounce the essence of me, the very rock and anchor I emanate from. I am being set free. The strategies of the trappers are being revealed. They are losing their freedom to dominate, overpower, and destroy. I am living again. I am getting my strength from the deeper reality and living again. |
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Resource: Building Self Awareness |
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Many of us can be self-aware when things are going relatively smoothly, but what about in the midst of real-world challenges? What if we use the signals that things are getting tense to remind us to pause? |
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When to pause and check in:
When you realize you are experiencing internal distress, in a difficult moment of conflict, or when you notice distance in an important relationship. How to pause and check in Ask yourself these questions: What's this all about? What is happening around me? What is my physical reaction? What is my emotional state right now? What thoughts am I having? What are my perceptions?
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Table 1 - What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It) by Tasha Eurich, Harvard Business Review |
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One key insight from the research is the importance of asking the right kinds of questions when practicing self-awareness. Most of us ask "why" questions. These questions can lead to unhelpful rumination, getting stuck in a self-critical or judgemental loop. Instead, it has been found to be much more productive to shift "why" questions for "what" questions and notice how this changes the direction of your reflection. For example, Tasha recommends that instead of asking common questions like "why do I feel so terrible (and what is wrong with me)" try asking things like "What are the situations that I feel terrible in, and what do they have in common?"
Finally, if you have trouble noticing distress and pausing in the moment set a daily time to check in to build your self-awareness practice. This could be your lunch break or at bedtime, or whenever you brush your teeth. Just find a time or daily activity that can serve as a reminder to begin this new habit.
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In Need of Experienced Coaching or Therapeutic Support? |
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My mission is to support individuals with trauma healing therapy and parents in crisis. I've updated my services to support more people by offering flexible, relevant, and affordable, options compared to traditional therapy. Many of these structured supportive coaching programs are also securely accessible from wherever you might be, as long as you have an internet connection. Learn more in the short videos linked below: About Parent Coaching: I support parents in shifting from the failed Classic Parenting Model to a new style of parenting, which irresistibly draws our children to us so that you can have influence in their life within the context of a secure attachment. This approach has benefits for our relationship with our children short term, and sets them up to enjoy a healthy adulthood. |
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Wishing you and yours growth, support, and deep, sustaining connection. Rawland Glass, MSW, LCSW | | |
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